My own body truth in photo. Without a filter or special lighting. Only middle aged me, mother of four, in a bathing suit.  Why share this trio of pictures? I’ve internally fought over my body image frequently since I was 13 years old. My weight had fluctuated a bit up and down into adulthood. Then when I started having children, the swing became bigger but with exercise I could maintain myenvisioned  normal weight. Once I hit 41 everything changed. A combo of genetics, chronic stress, and not always caring for myself properly, has me the same size I was when I birthed my youngest son 13.5 years ago. I struggle with feeling beautiful. I abjectly hate photos being taken of me. I feel ugly and frumpy.   Sharing unfettered and unfiltered pictures helps me in my quest to be more kind and loving to this extraordinarily strong, healthy, and life giving body. The seeds of shame and loathing were sown in me 35 years ago. I remember the very day standing in my kitchen talking to a friend. She told me my legs could be thinner and a few other things. That  was the first time I ever thiught of myself as needing work. I was a whopping 110 pounds and very fit. I realized years later she spoke out of jealousy over boys thinking I was cute. I forgive her for planting the seeds in my impressionable young psyche, yet I’ve never truly been able to escape the voice she left behind. Thirty five years. The mirror along with that decades old voice, all too often taunt me as I get ready for the day or before crawling in bed with my very loving husband. For the record, my husband adores me whether a size 6 or a 12. He happily adores my extra curves in and out of the bedroom. A good man. I would love to see myself as he does. Sharing my reality helps me gain freedom from my own self loathing. Somehowbeing visible allows me emotional space to be more accepting of all that is me.   I hope it helps someone else to process whatever is entrapping her. Until I am able to break this yoke of lies, I will be fakibg it with truth in body.

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